Love and Hate

Love is strange, when the person is no more we realize how much he meant. I sometimes feel the same with J. I find it so difficult to feel love towards him. He always makes me feel like a schoolgirl always under the scrutiny of strict teachers, always being judges and found guilty of some unimaginable crime that is visible to them but invisible to me. I really wish he weren’t like that. A little more understanding would work miracles in our life. Now every act is clouded by fear of what he will think, how he will react. So most of the time I end up doing nothing, taking no decisions and then getting judged for that. He frightens me with his temper which flares up for reason that I have no control over. Yet he is not a bad man. He takes care of everything, me, our son. Everything is paid for, all bills always clear, our futures secured and sometimes during sex he even says he loves me but that is it. There is nothing after that. He does not look at me and talk to me loving. There are no smiles or kisses, all that is only during sex. I end up feeling that my purpose in life is to provide sex and as an outlet for his anger.

Maybe it is a case of breeding. A father, who provided for the family but did not love them, brought him up. He did his duty as prescribed by the society but failed to provide the emotional support that nurtures. Scared of the father the mother too remained too distant. Unloved in childhood, he did not learn to love. It is his tragedy but now it is mine too. Maybe if he had a chance to get to know my family he would see what real love feels like, but he like his family is too stubborn. They believe they are the best, and have nothing to learn from others but a lot to teach the world.